Date Night
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker and Harley Quinn are enjoying family life with their twin children, Arleen and J.J., who are cheerfully oblivious to their roles as criminal lunatics. But when the Clown Couple go out for a quiet date night, they get a lot more than they bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

**Date Night**

Harley Quinn often thought of herself as the mother to three children. Although she had only given birth to a set of twins, their father could hardly be described as a normal, responsible man, and was actually more like a child himself – he loved to play with people and have fun, he was easily amused and easily bored, and he threw the world's worst temper tantrums. Granted, his tantrums usually ended with the death of hundreds of innocents, but maybe if a child had his genius and resourcefulness and access to weapons, theirs might as well.

She was thinking this as she folded the laundry, humming and smiling as she heard the rumbling and screaming from the roof. Her kids were clearly having a good time, and that was all she could ask. She was pleased and happy to be the one to look after them, all three of them. They needed her. And Harley liked feeling needed.

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" cried her son J.J., rushing into the room and leaping into her arms. "You gotta try the roller coaster!"

"Aw, sweetie, I'd love to, but Mommy's got a lotta housework to do…" began Harley.

"Nope, you gotta try the roller coaster!" he interrupted, seizing her hand and pulling her toward the door. "C'mon!"

Harley smiled. Her son certainly had inherited his parents' determination, and she was just as incapable of refusing him as she was his father. J.J. pulled her up the stairs onto the roof, where a giant roller coaster with several loops had been built on top of the building. The car slowed to a stop in front of them amid hysterical laughter from their daughter Arleen, and the Joker, who cuddled her tightly.

"Again, again, again!" shrieked Arleen, clapping her hands excitedly.

"In a second, sweetie," Joker said, kissing her nose. "We gotta get your Mommy and brother on this thing! Climb aboard, sweets!" he said, leaping out of the car and gesturing for Harley to climb in.

"You know I got a lotta work to do, Mr. J…" began Harley, but he pulled her down next to him as J.J. sat in front next to his sister.

"All work and no play makes Batman," he retorted. "And you don't wanna turn into Batman, do ya, sweets? You gotta cut loose and have a little fun sometimes!" he said, pulling the safety bar down. Arleen and J.J. strained forward eagerly, giggling happily as the roller coaster climbed up the track.

"Takes me back to that time we made whoopie cushion on a roller coaster, pooh," murmured Joker, kissing her cheek.

"Yeah…that was awkward with the loops, Mr. J," agreed Harley. "We nearly fell out a couple times…"

"And that's what made it fun, cupcake!" he giggled. "A perfect blend of love and near death experiences! What could be better than that?"

"Look, Daddy, no hands!" cried J.J., throwing his arms up as the roller coaster reached its peak and began to descend. His sister joined him, giggling and screaming as the car shot down. Harley clung tightly onto Joker, screaming as the roller coaster shot up and down, veering left and right. Her terror was held in check by his strong arms around her waist, and his insanely happy laugh.

On the second loop, J.J. and Arleen, who weren't holding onto the safety rail, suddenly dropped out of the car. "Babies!" shrieked Harley, terrified, but she was relieved to see them land on a trampoline beneath them. They bounced up and down, giggling hysterically and clearly completely unfazed by the drop.

"Jump, kiddies!" shouted Joker, holding out his arms as the car sped past the trampoline. They obeyed, leaping back into the car as it climbed again.

"That was great, Daddy!" said J.J., turning to beam at him.

"Told you it was better with no hands, J.J.!" said Joker, grinning.

"Yeah, it would have been nice if your Daddy had told me what was gonna happen, so I didn't almost die of a heart attack," said Harley, pointedly.

Joker giggled. "Joke's no fun if you know the punchline, pumpkin," he murmured, kissing her. "But Daddy will make it up to you on the grown-ups only roller coaster ride tonight."

Harley grinned, kissing him again as the ride stopped. She loved everything about her life. Ever since the kids had come along, Joker had even started paying less attention to Batman in favor of them, which was at it should be, thought Harley.

"This is a great roller coaster, Daddy," said J.J., leaping out. "Can we leave it up all the time?"

"Aw, I wish we could, J.J., but it might attract flying rodents," said Joker, picking up Arleen and then helping Harley out of the car. "I'm reliably informed that the Bat Buzzkill is away in Metropolis for a couple weeks, which is how I could set this thing up. But I'll have the guys take it down before he gets back. Don't worry though – we can always rebuild it in the basement. Only you won't have this great view!" he said, gesturing out at the Gotham skyline.

"You know what would make this extra pretty, Daddy?" asked Arleen. "Fireworks."

"You got it, baby!" laughed Joker, pulling a detonator out of his pocket. A nearby building suddenly exploded, sending fireworks up into the sky. Arleen cackled in glee.

"Thanks, Daddy!" she cried, leaping into his arms.

"No problem, princess!" he said. "Your Mommy always loved fireworks too – makes you feel all tingly inside, huh, pooh?" he asked, grinning at Harley.

"They're not the only thing that does that, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing his cheek.

"C'mon, J.J.," said Joker, heading for the stairs. "Got another surprise for you."

"I dunno what could possibly beat a roller coaster on the roof," said J.J., as they headed down the hall. Joker opened a door and J.J. stood there, gaping. "Maybe that," he murmured.

One of the rooms in the hideout had been converted into a giant, life-size pillow fort. "Daddy, you're the best!" cried Arleen. "I got a real castle now! I really am a princess!"

"You sure are!" he said, kissing her. "Look – I got your room set up right here," he said, leading her over to one of the many rooms in the pillow fort.

"Cool! A TV!" exclaimed J.J. "And a gamestation!" he said, seizing the control and settling himself in front of the screen. "Thanks, Daddy!"

"Yeah, pretty much everything you'll need should be lying around here somewhere," said Joker. "And if it ain't, let me know and I'll get it. Though I'll probably spend a fair amount of time in here myself – it's just the place to make plans to kill Batsy! So atmospheric!"

Arleen gasped as she saw the room Joker had prepared for her – it was made of pink pillows, Arleen's favorite color. In the center of the room was a gold-gilded mirror, and a wardrobe full of princess dresses of varying styles, and another wardrobe full of cuddly animals, including her favorite, unicorns.

"Thank you, Daddy!" she shrieked, jumping up and down. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"And I got you some pretty jewelry to go with those dresses, princess," he said, opening a chest to reveal tiaras, necklaces, and bracelets, all featuring real jewels, and all of them stolen. Not that Arleen knew that, or would have cared if she did. She squeaked happily, leaping into her father's arms and covering him with kisses.

Bud and Lou, their pet hyenas, had been napping in their very own room in the pillow fort, but woke up at the shrieks, yawning and stretching. They came over to nuzzle against the family, licking them in greeting.

"J.J., you're sitting too close to the TV," said Harley. "You'll damage your eyes."

"Sorry, Mommy," said J.J., scooting back. Harley watched the game he was playing with narrowed eyes. "Puddin'!" she called.

"Hmm?" he asked, leaving Arleen to try on her dresses.

"Doncha think this game's a little too violent for J.J.?" she asked. "He's only eight, after all."

"It's fine, Mommy – it's just red pixels," retorted J.J., as he speared a zombie through the face. "It's not real violence or anything," he added, blowing another one's head off.

"And it never hurts to practice your aim!" chuckled Joker. "I'm sure he can handle it, pooh. He's a bright kid."

"Yeah, but I've read stuff that says violent video games can lead to violent behavior in kids," said Harley. "I'd hate for J.J. to be the type to find a gun and go on a killing spree."

"Oh, he won't do that, pooh bear," said Joker, patting J.J.'s head fondly. "I've taught him that killing people is never right unless you got a joke to go with it. You'd never go out shooting randomers, would you, J.J.?"

"No, Daddy," agreed J.J. "Only if I got a punchline."

"There, y'see?" said Joker, beaming. "Nothing to worry about." He watched the screen, frowing. "Although frankly a pistol is a stupid weapon to use in a zombie apocalypse. I'd go for a shotgun."

"Or an AK-47," agreed J.J., nodding. "I'd go for a semi-automatic myself, Daddy, if I had a choice. Maybe even a bazooka. But you have to start with the pistol and then collect the real weapons from the bodies of people whose brains the zombies have eaten."

"See? It teaches life lessons, Harl," said Joker. "Nothing in life is handed to you – you gotta work hard to get the stuff you want."

"How do I look, Mommy and Daddy?" asked Arleen, emerging in a pink princess dress with a diamond tiara, and clutching a white unicorn with rainbow hair.

"Like the precious little diamond you are!" exclaimed Joker, hugging her tightly. "I'm getting the camera!"

Harley cooed over her daughter, fixing her hair, as Joker reappeared with the camera. "Smile for Daddy!" he said, snapping hundreds of pictures of her. "You got such a beautiful smile, princess! Now sing a bit of your song!"

Arleen had managed to land the starring role in her school's play this year, a version of the musical _Annie_. While it was true that she did have a pretty voice, and could act the role well enough, rumors persisted that her father had threatened to murder all the staff at the school unless his little girl was given the lead part. Either way, Arleen had got it, and Joker changed the camera's settings to video as he recorded Arleen singing "_The sun'll come out tomorrow_" in her princess dress.

"Not sure how an orphan could afford diamonds, but who cares?" chuckled Joker. "J.J., stop blasting zombies for a second, will ya? I can't hear your sister singing over their death screams!"

"Sure thing, Daddy," said J.J., pausing the game. He headed over to play with Bud and Lou while his parents gazed with teary eyes at Arleen singing.

She finished the song, and curtseyed to the rapturous applause. "Aw, baby, you're gonna knock their socks off!" chuckled Joker, picking her up and kissing her. "You got your Daddy's talent and showmanship!"

"I'm kinda nervous, Daddy," she said. "I've never sung in front of a big audience before."

"Nervous?" he repeated. "My little girl's not nervous! She's got performance in her blood! Nothing your Mommy and me like better than a captive audience, literally!" he chuckled. "Ain't that right, Harley?"

"You're gonna do great, baby," said Harley, kissing her. "They'll just love you."

"Yeah, they'd better," agreed Joker. "Or they're gonna be smiling themselves to death, sweetie."

"How can you smile yourself to death, Daddy?" asked Arleen.

"Just a figure of speech, precious," he said, patting her head. The children weren't aware that their parents were homicidal maniacs – it wasn't just something you mentioned casually over dinner. They had been meaning to tell them – they had to find out eventually, after all. But the time had never seemed right.

They heard a telephone ring suddenly. "I'll get it," said J.J., heading over to a different part of the pillow fort. "Joker residence. If you ain't snappy, I won't be happy."

Joker gave his son a thumbs up – that was how he'd been taught to answer the phone. J.J. handed it over to him. "It's for you," he said, returning to his game.

"Joker, old friend! It's Oswald," said the voice of the Penguin on the other end.

"Pengers! What can I do ya for, Birdbrain?" asked Joker, heading over to his makeshift desk in the pillow fort.

"I have a certain…business arrangement I'd like to discuss with you, but it's far too confidential to speak about over the phone. Can you and your lovely ladyfriend join me at the Iceberg Lounge for dinner tomorrow evening?"

"Aw, love to, Pengers!" exclaimed Joker. "We'll bring the kiddy winks!"

"No," said Penguin, hastily. "No, don't bring the children. Find someone to look after them for one evening – I'm sure Miss Ivy would be willing. But these…arrangements are not for the ears of children. I'm sure you understand."

"Oh. Ok, say no more," said Joker, shrugging. "I'll call the Plant Lady and get back to you. Speak soon!"

"Yes…speak soon," said Penguin, but Joker had already hung up the phone. He hung up his, looking up at the men standing in front of his desk, more specifically at the barrels of their guns, which were pointed at him. Nobody spoke for several tense minutes, and then the phone rang again.

"Hello?" said Penguin, answering it. "Yes. I'm glad. See you tomorrow night, old friend. Goodbye."

He hung up the phone again. "He's coming," he murmured to the men. "With Harley. They'll be here tomorrow night."

The leader of the men grinned, lighting up a cigarette. "And we'll be here waiting for 'em," he murmured. "Be sure to fix 'em a good meal, Oswald. It's gonna be their last."


	2. Chapter 2

"You look so pretty, Mommy!" exclaimed Arleen, as she sat on the bed in her parents' room, watching Harley put on her makeup in her long, black and red evening gown. "Like a Disney princess!"

"I'm not sure which Disney princess looks like a clown, sweetie," said Harley, smiling at her. "But thank you."

"Why do you dress up like a clown, Mommy?" asked Arleen. "Is it because of Daddy?"

"Uh huh," said Harley, returning her attention to her makeup.

"Why does Daddy look like a clown all the time, but you have to put on makeup?" she asked.

"Because Daddy is a very special man," said Harley. "And he had a very special thing happen to him that made him extra handsome."

"You mean like a spell?" asked Arleen, eagerly. "Did he have a spell put on him, like in Beauty and the Beast?"

"Kinda," agreed Harley. "Only instead of the spell making your Daddy ugly, it made him the most gorgeous man in the whole world. Not to mention the sweetest, smartest, funniest guy ever."

"So how come you can kiss him?" asked Arleen. "Won't that break the spell? Isn't that what true love's kiss does?"

"Usually," agreed Harley. "But your Daddy and me have a special kind of love, which means we can have true love's kiss as much as we want, but the spell still remains."

"Wow!" said Arleen, impressed. "I hope I have a love like that someday, Mommy!"

"I hope you do too, sweetie," said Harley, coming over to kiss her forehead.

"You ready, pumpkin pie?" asked Joker, entering the room dressed in a newly tailored purple suit.

"Ain't she pretty, Daddy?" asked Arleen, pointing to her mother.

Joker smiled at Harley. "Yeah, she don't scrub up too bad," he said, kissing her tenderly. "Not as pretty as you, though, princess," he said, picking up his daughter. She handed him the flower for his buttonhole, and he threaded the stem through. "There you go, princess, press that," he said, holding out the bulb at the end of the stem.

Arleen obeyed, and shrieked in surprise as a jet of acid shot out, landing on the bed and burning a hole into the sheets with a hiss. She giggled, clapping her hands happily.

"Puddin', I've told you a hundred times, no acid inside," sighed Harley, going over to examine the damaged sheet. "Lucky it didn't eat through the mattress – they're so expensive. Anyway, is the spray flower even gonna be necessary tonight?"

"C'mon, pumpkin, it's me!" exclaimed Joker. "Can't go anywhere without my gag items, the deadlier the better! Besides, you never know when acid might come in handy."

"Hopefully not on our date night," said Harley.

"Oh, is that what you've turned this into?" he asked. "Because I kinda thought it was a business meeting."

"Yeah, it is," agreed Harley. "But it's a business meeting at a fancy restaurant where we get to dress up. I call that a date."

"I think you've just forgotten what a date is," retorted Joker.

"A date is any night we have to find a babysitter," retorted Harley. She glanced at her watch. "Speaking of which, where is Red?"

"I dunno," said Joker. "She'd better hurry up, though. Being late is so tacky, and we're cutting it kinda fine. And I'm anything but tacky."

"I'll call her," said Harley, reaching for the phone. "Maybe she's stuck in traffic."

Poison Ivy was not stuck in traffic. She had had a criminal job planned for that afternoon, bombing a cosmetics company that specialized in plant-based products. The company was called _Double Exposure_, and so she had asked Two-Face if he wanted to join her in blowing up the factory, promising him half the cut of any loot they managed to steal before they blew the place up. Two-Face had agreed, only when they had returned to Ivy's hideout after the bombing, she had decided that since the take was so pitiful, it wasn't worth splitting with him. Two-Face had gotten angry, and called her a lying little whore, and she had called him an ugly, two-faced bastard, and one thing had led to another, and she woke up to her phone vibrating loudly on her bedside table while she lay naked in his arms.

"Dammit, what time is it?" she muttered, glancing at the clock. She saw, and instantly panicked. "Aw, crap!" she shrieked, leaping out of bed and scrambling to get dressed. "Harley, hi!" she said, picking up the phone and trying to pull her tights on awkwardly.

"Red, where are you?" asked Harley.

"Uh…just…had a little…er…car trouble," said Ivy, pulling on her leotard. "Almost there. Be about five minutes."

Two-Face was looking around for his own clothes, and suddenly tripped over a potted plant, swearing loudly. "Red?" said Harley. "Who's that?"

"Uh…it's…uh…no one," said Ivy, glaring at him. "Er…Harley…tunnel's coming up…losing signal…" She began hissing into the phone. "There…see…soon…bye!"

She hung up the phone. "Jesus Christ, Harvey, you almost blew it!" she snapped, glaring at him.

"Don't blame me!" he snapped. "Why didn't you tell me you had stuff to do this evening?"

"Because in the heat of the moment, I forgot," she snapped, racing over to fix her hair and quickly apply her makeup. "But I really don't think Harley would take kindly to me telling her that I forgot about babysitting her kids because I was having sex with you."

"That's right – I forget it ain't just me you lie to," he growled, pulling on his suit.

"Oh, what is your problem?" she demanded, glaring at him.

"My problem is you!" he shouted. "You saying one thing and meaning another! You still me owe half the cut from this job, you lying bitch!"

"I'm not discussing this now, Harvey – I have places to be," she said, seizing her purse. "We'll talk later, ok?"

"There's nothing to discuss!" he shouted. "You owe me that money!"

She sighed, hastily applying some lipstick. Then she seized his face in her hands, kissing him deeply. "Talk later," she repeated.

"Ok," he gasped, unable to resist her mind-control lipstick.

"Good boy," she whispered, racing out the door and heading into her car. It was going to be pretty difficult to get all the way across town in five minutes, but maybe she could use some plants to clear the road…

She had been thinking this when someone suddenly smashed down on the top of her car. "Oh no, not now!" she hissed, as Batman stood up, glaring at her through the windscreen.

"You're supposed to be in Metropolis!" she shouted.

"Change of plan," he growled, seizing her and dragging her out of the car. "I got called back after an eco-terrorist attack on a cosmetics company. Know anything about that, Ivy?"

"Look, Bats, I don't have time for this!" she snapped. "I have something really important I gotta do…"

"What is it, Ivy?" he demanded. "Blowing up another factory? I'm not gonna let you do that, I'm afraid."

"Don't make me do this, Bats," she hissed.

He reached for the batcuffs to arrest her, and Ivy grabbed him, kissing him passionately. "Now let me go, you big bully!" she snapped.

Batman didn't obey her. "You really think I haven't developed an immunity to that yet?" he demanded.

She shrugged. "It still works for Harvey."

"Actually, it doesn't," said Two-Face, standing in the doorway with two guns pointed at Batman. "I just pretend it does. Now let the lady go, Bat-freak."

Batman obeyed. "Pammie, go," Two-Face hissed. "I'll handle him."

Ivy nodded gratefully, climbing back into her car and backing out of her driveway. "Harvey?" she called. He looked at her. "You can have the loot," she murmured. "All of it."

He grinned. "I only want half," he murmured.

What could have been a tender moment between the two was ruined by Batman's fist colliding with Two-Face's face. Ivy raced off into the street, leaving them to fight, although she knew in her heart who was going to win.

It was confirmed a few minutes later when the Batmobile slammed into her car, making it screech to a halt. Batman dragged Ivy out, cuffed her, and threw her in the backseat next to a handcuffed Two-Face.

"Bats, I have to call Harley!" she cried. "It's important!"

He ignored her, slamming the door shut. Ivy shared a look with Two-Face, and leaned back, sighing. "I hope they can find another babysitter on such short notice," she muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

After Ivy had hung up on her, Harley put down the phone, sighing and glancing at the clock. She headed downstairs to the pillow fort, where Arleen was playing dress up and Joker was sitting next to J.J. on the sofa, watching TV.

"She coming?" he asked, looking up.

"Yeah, she said she'd be here in five minutes," said Harley. "But we're running late already, puddin'. And it's a half hour drive across town to the Iceberg Lounge what with the traffic and all."

"You two should go," said J.J., looking up from the TV. "Leenie and I can take care of ourselves for five minutes until Aunt Ivy gets here."

"Absolutely not," said Harley, firmly. "We're not leaving until we're sure there's someone here to look after you."

"But Mommy, it's just five minutes," said J.J. "What could possibly happen? I guarantee in the next five minutes, Leenie's maybe gonna try on another dress, and I'm gonna watch five minutes more of this movie."

"Sweetie, I'm not taking any chances with your safety…" began Harley.

"Maybe J.J.'s right," interrupted Joker. "I mean, in an emergency, you know where the guns are, right, J.J.?"

He nodded. "And I know how to use them," he agreed. "Plus Bud and Lou are here, and they're good watchdogs," he said, nodding at the hyenas who napped, snoring, on the rug.

"Yeah, they're…real alert," said Joker, slowly.

"Puddin'…" began Harley.

"C'mon, Mommy, if it's an important business meeting, you don't wanna be late," said J.J. "You'll never strike any deal if you annoy the people you're meant to be negotiating with – that's bad business."

"How do you know so much about business?" asked Harley.

"I read it in a book," he said. "_How to Succeed in Business Despite the Interference of an Alien Superjerk_ by former president Lex Luthor."

"What happened to those comic books we bought you?" asked Joker.

"I kinda prefer reading non-fiction, Daddy," replied J.J.

"Some of those comic books are closer than you think," muttered Joker. "Aside from that whole Batman always winning, of course…"

"J.J., I'm not leaving you and Leenie on your own, not even for five minutes," said Harley, firmly.

"Aw, c'mon, pooh, relax," said Joker. "J.J.'s right – what harm could it do?"

"You ask me that?" demanded Harley. "When you remember what happened that time we left them with Red?"

"Yeah, Batsy tried to kidnap 'em," said Joker, waving his hand. "But he tried that even with a babysitter. And he didn't succeed – J.J. shot him in the leg. He can do that again. Although it'd be funnier if he aimed a little higher next time. Besides, Bats is away in Metropolis, remember? They couldn't be safer."

Harley looked reluctantly from her children, to Joker, to her watch. "Fine," she sighed. "But you call me the moment Red gets here. You got our numbers, right?"

"Sure thing, Mommy," said J.J. Arleen came over to kiss her parents goodbye.

"You take care of yourselves, babies," murmured Harley, hugging them tightly. "Mommy and Daddy love you so much."

"We'll be back before you know it," said Joker, beaming at them. "See you later, kiddies!"

"I really don't like this, puddin'," said Harley as she climbed into the passenger seat of their car.

"What's not to like?" he asked, starting the engine and backing out. "It'll be fine. Anyway, having no one looking after 'em is probably about as effective as having the Plant Lady around."

He was right to an extent. Five minutes passed, and then ten minutes, and then fifteen, and then twenty, and still J.J. watched his movie, and Arleen continued to play dress up, and Bud and Lou continued to nap. Then the telephone rang, and J.J. went to answer it.

"Joker residence. If you ain't snappy, I won't be happy."

"J.J.? Is that you?" said Ivy's voice on the other end.

"Aunt Ivy, where are you?" asked J.J. "You were meant to be here fifteen minutes ago…"

"Look, I only got one phone call and I can't talk long," interrupted Ivy. "Just tell your parents that they gotta find a new babysitter. I can't make it tonight."

"Why not?" asked J.J.

"Just…something important's come up," she said. "Tell them it's a Bat bust. They'll understand."

"But…Aunt Ivy…" began J.J.

"Gotta go, J.J. Talk to you soon, huh?" she said, and hung up.

J.J. frowned. "Leenie!" he called.

"What?" she said, emerging in her princess dress and combing her unicorn's hair.

"Aunt Ivy's not coming," he said.

"Oh," she said, surprised. "Should we tell Mommy and Daddy?"

"That's what I'm trying to decide," said J.J. "If they find out we're here alone all evening, they're gonna come hurrying back."

"We shouldn't ruin their evening, J.J.," said Arleen. "We can take care of ourselves."

"So you're saying we should lie to them?" asked J.J. "Tell them Aunt Ivy showed up, and then tell them she had to leave just before they get back?"

Arleen frowned. "I don't wanna lie to Mommy and Daddy."

"Me neither," he agreed.

"But I don't wanna ruin their evening either," she said.

"Me neither," he repeated.

They were both silent for a long time. "Do you think your nose is gonna grow if you lie?" asked Arleen at last. "Like Pinocchio?"

"I don't think that's likely," replied J.J.

"Then you think we should do that?" she asked.

"I guess," he sighed, picking up the phone again and dialing a number.

"Hi, Mommy, it's J.J.," he said. "How's your dinner? No, nothing's wrong, don't worry…no, I just called like you asked to tell you Aunt Ivy's here…uh…can you talk to her? Uh…no, she's…uh…she's…hurt her tongue so she can't talk. How? Uh…y'know…eating…stuff…that's too hot. Yeah. But she sends her love. Yeah…she wrote that down. Yeah, I'll tell her. Ok. Enjoy your evening. Love you. Bye!"

He hung up the phone, and then felt his nose. "See? Told you it wouldn't happen, Leenie," he said, with slight relief in his voice as he settled back on the sofa to watch the action star on screen walk across a floor of broken glass.

"You're braver than me, J.J.," said Arleen, returning to her room. "I wouldn't have risked it."


	4. Chapter 4

Harley put her phone back in her purse. "Red's there now," she said. "But she's hurt her tongue somehow. J.J. says it was hot food."

"Think that's a euphemism for something?" chuckled Joker. "I can think of a couple ways the Weed Lady might have hurt her tongue that aren't food related."

"I'm sure you can ask her when we get home," said Harley.

"Yeah, I should think up a good opening line," said Joker, nodding. "Hey, Weed Lady, cat got your tongue? 'Cause I'm sure Batsy would've liked to have seen that!" he chuckled.

"Puddin', you're so mean to Red," said Harley, although she grinned.

"How is saying that she made out with Catwoman being mean to her?" asked Joker. "We should all be so lucky!"

Harley glared at him. "I didn't know you wanted to make out with Selina, puddin'," she said, angrily spearing her steak.

"Well, she's one hot broad," said Joker. "Although they do tell you not to pet stray cats - you don't know where they've been, or what kinda diseases they're crawling with!" he chuckled. "But just think how jealous it would make Batsy! It'd be worth it just for that. Y'know, for a joke."

"I don't think it's very funny, Mr. J," she retorted.

He saw her angry face, and laughed. "How can you still be jealous after all these years?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Guys can cheat in long term relationships. In fact, some people say the longer it goes on, the more they get bored, so they start looking for excitement elsewhere…"

Joker took her hand. "Am I some people?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No," he agreed. "I'm the Joker. Committed for life, remember?"

She beamed at him. "Anyway, having an affair would be so complicated!" he sighed. "All that sneaking around and hiding stuff – that ain't my style! Too much effort! As if the kids don't take it outta me enough! And frankly I'd have to be kinda crazy to put the little doll sitting across from me second to anyone. I mean, she's a total knockout, and she'd knock me out permanently if I did!" he chuckled. "And do I look crazy to you, pooh?"

Harley smiled. "Nah uh, Mr. J," she murmured, leaning forward to kiss him.

"Fish?" he asked, holding up a piece on his fork.

"Ew, Mr. J!" she exclaimed, drawing back. "You know how I feel about fish!"

"Yeah, and it never gets old!" he chuckled, popping it into his mouth.

"Fine, I won't kiss you for the rest of tonight," she snapped, sipping from a glass of wine.

"Oh yes, you will," he murmured, taking her face in his hands and kissing her passionately.

"Mmm…Mr. J!" she gasped.

"You gotta learn not to mind fish, Harley - this is for your own good," he murmured, continuing to kiss her. "It ain't so bad, huh?"

"Nah uh," she gasped, mauling his mouth.

"You wanna go have a quickie in the bathroom?" he asked.

"Oh, Mr. J!" she whispered. "You know just what to say to a gal!"

"C'mon then," he said, taking her hand and standing up.

"Going somewhere, Joker?" asked Penguin, coming over to them suddenly.

"Uh…yeah, Pengers…we were just gonna have a little dessert," said Joker. Harley giggled, while Penguin looked at them in confusion.

"Well, I'll…have the waiters bring the dessert card over to you," he said. "You can sit back down."

"Hey, that's great!" exclaimed Joker. "We'll look at it when we get back from the bathroom."

"You both need the bathroom at the same time?" asked Penguin. And then the realization hit him. "You're not doing that in my bathroom," he said firmly, glaring at them. "The cubicles have all been freshly cleaned. Just sit back down."

"Aw, c'mon, Pengers, gotta take advantage of the times for romance when the kiddies aren't around," said Joker.

"In what way is that romantic?" demanded Penguin. "But I forgot who I was talking to for a moment – the couple who finds whoopie cushions erotic."

"Well, you might too if you use 'em the way we do," retorted Joker, sitting back down reluctantly.

"I can understand you being grateful for the children not being around, however," said Penguin. "From what I understand, offspring can be such a handful. Most couples have to struggle to make time for just the two of them."

"Well, I dunno why we'd really wanna make time for just the two of us," retorted Harley. "It ain't just the two of us anymore – we got a family now. So I think it's more important to make time for that, and learn how to act like a family, rather than make time as a couple when you ain't a couple anymore. That just seems kinda crazy."

"Yeah, life's less fun without them around," said Joker, nodding. "Anyway, why didn't you want us bringing the little tykes? I'm sure you could have talked about whatever business this is in code. They probably wouldn't understand it. And if it's killing the Batman, they'll probably approve of that!" he chuckled.

"Well, it's just…um…" stammered Penguin. "We'll discuss it after you've finished eating. Just…continue to enjoy the food. Excuse me," he said, heading off to the kitchen.

He opened the door to the gunmen. "Haven't you put this off long enough?" he demanded. "Why don't you just get it over with?"

"Patience, Oswald," murmured the leader. "I want them to be nice and relaxed and not suspect a thing."

He loaded his gun. "Are they armed?" he asked.

"Not as far as I can see," retorted Penguin. "But I didn't pat them down or anything. That would have alerted suspicion."

"No, you've done very well," replied the man. "As a reward, I might not shoot up this place too bad. We'll focus on the clowns as much as possible."

"Uh…thank you?" said Penguin. "God, I hope my insurance covers bullets," he sighed, heading back into the restaurant.

Joker and Harley had just ordered cream pie for dessert. "It's what we wanted to have in the bathroom, but Pengers interrupted us!" chuckled Joker. Harley giggled, but the waiter just looked at them quizzically and walked off. Joker sighed. "No sense of humor, I tell ya," he said, looking around the room. "This place ain't too crowded for a Saturday night," he commented. "I wonder why that is."

"Maybe business is bad," said Harley.

"Nah, you usually have to book months in advance to get reservations for this place," said Joker. His eyes narrowed when he saw the giant iceberg in the middle of the room. "And the penguins ain't on the iceberg. Why wouldn't the penguins be out?"

"Maybe they're sleeping," said Harley. She noticed his frown. "What is it?" she asked.

"Something don't feel right," murmured Joker. "The whole atmosphere just feels…off…"

"I don't know what you mean, puddin'," said Harley.

"Just a gut feeling," he said. "And I always listen to my gut."

"Maybe it's the food!" laughed Harley. "Told you you shouldn't have eaten fish, Mr. J…"

She gasped in delight as she felt his foot travel up her leg under her dress, resting against the holster on her thigh. "You got your gun under there?" he murmured. She nodded. "Good," he said. "That's six bullets each, plus the squirting flower and the joy buzzer…"

"Puddin', what are you talking about?" she asked. "You're scaring me."

Dessert arrived at that moment, and Joker looked down. "And a cream pie," he murmured. "Well, I've improvised with worse."

"Improvised? I don't understand…" began Harley.

Suddenly, the door to the kitchen was kicked open, and three armed gunmen burst into the restaurant. "Hands up, clowns!" he roared. Eight more guys at the neighboring tables produced guns, pointing them at Joker and Harley, who slowly raised their hands.

"Sal Maroni!" exclaimed Joker, beaming at him. "Ain't this a little _Godfather _for ya? Ambush in a restaurant?"

"Nah," retorted Sal Maroni. "That was an Italian restaurant. This is Penguin's dump."

"Hey!" said Penguin, hands on his hips. "I'll have you know, this is haute cuisine!"

Joker grinned at him. "You set this up, didn't you?" he sighed. "Is there no honor among rogues?"

"I didn't have a choice, Joker," retorted Penguin. "But at least I insisted on not bringing the children. They don't need to see this."

"Yeah, you're right," agreed Joker. "It'll be much easier for them to deal with their parents just never coming home, and having to identify their bullet-riddled bodies in the morgue. I really don't think that's gonna mess 'em up for life or anything. Hell, they'll probably turn into Batsy!" he chuckled.

"Like Oswald said, just be grateful we spared them this," said Maroni, cocking his gun. "It's nothing personal, really, Joker. But you've interfered in my business for the last time. I know you think crime is a really funny game, but it ain't. It's a war. You gotta take it seriously. And you've made a joke outta foiling my operations for the past six months. So it's time for some serious payback."

Joker chuckled. "And you think getting rid of me is the better option? If I don't keep distracting Batsy with my schemes, he's gonna be foiling even more of your operations than I did."

"I'll take that chance," retorted Maroni.

Joker sighed. "Ok," he said. "But can I at least have a bite of this delicious cream pie that Penger's chefs have made for me? It'd be a shame to let it go to waste after it's covered in our blood and brains."

Maroni nodded. "Make it quick," he snapped.

"Wanna try some, pooh?" asked Joker, picking up the pie and holding it out to Harley.

Harley was too shocked to react for an instant, but the Joker wasn't. He suddenly squirted a shot of acid from his flower into the pie, and then flung it at Sal Maroni's face. Maroni screeched in pain as the acid hissed against his flesh, flailing around wildly and knocking the two gunmen beside him back.

"Run, pooh!" shouted Joker, grabbing Harley's wrist and racing toward the kitchen. They heard bullets flying after them, and Harley ripped the gun out of the holster under her dress and started firing back. They reached the safety of the kitchen and Harley ran inside, followed by Joker a moment after, calling back to Maroni, "I would say that's for Harvey! But it's not!"

Then he slammed the door and barricaded it with a table. The hail of bullets continued through the glass pane in the door, and Joker crawled under the table with Harley following.

"Ok, we're gonna need some backup," he said, reaching for his cell phone.


	5. Chapter 5

J.J. had finished watching his action movie, and, since Arleen was still playing dress up, he had decided to do his own dressing up as the movie's hero. So he had wandered into his father's study in the pillow fort, hoping to find his stash of guns. Joker generally left them lying around, since he trusted his children to be careful with them – he had taught them safety first, after all, and that guns weren't toys unless you had a joke to go with them.

J.J. looked around at the selection spread about the room. "I kinda want a submachine gun, like he's got in the movie," he murmured, tossing aside various pistols and shotguns. "I know Daddy's got one around here somewhere…"

"J.J., what kinda story can we possibly make up about a princess and an action hero?" demanded Arleen, joining him with her hands on her hips. "Why don't you just dress up as a prince? Or a clown, like Daddy? They had jesters in medieval times, but they didn't have action heroes!"

"Sure they did, Leenie – they had knights," replied J.J. "And an action hero is like a knight, only he has a gun."

"How would he get a gun in medieval times?" demanded Arleen.

"I dunno – maybe he's a time traveling action hero," replied J.J. "Like in that movie Daddy and I watched, about the action hero with the chainsaw who gets transported back to medieval times_._"

"I thought Mommy said that was too scary for you to watch," said Arleen.

"Yeah…Daddy and I put it on after she went to bed, and he told me not to tell her about it," replied J.J., slowly. "Daddy said it was more funny than scary, and he was right. It was fake violence anyway – none of it looked very real."

"Is there a princess in it?" asked Arleen.

"Sorta," agreed J.J.

"Well, find a chainsaw, then, and we can play that," said Arleen. "I'm sure Daddy has one."

J.J. sighed. "You look for a chainsaw – I'm looking for a submachine gun," he muttered, rifling through a chest full of knives and daggers.

"Flamethrower, bazooka, grenade gun…" muttered Arleen, searching a pile in the corner. J.J. went over to hunt around the desk. The children had never wondered why their parents had so many weapons lying around – they just assumed everyone's parents did.

J.J. shifted through his father's plans to kill Batman which were spread all over the desk. The twins knew that their father spent a lot of time making and executing schemes that would result in Batman's destruction, but they were under the impression that it was as revenge for Batman's attempted kidnapping of them, which made sense to them. They knew nothing about their parents' or their friend's long standing rivalry with Batman – whenever people mentioned fighting him, the twins assumed it was to help their parents out.

J.J. suddenly noticed that the top of the desk had hinges on it. He shook it, and then tried to lift it. "Hey, Leenie, come over here and help me, would ya?" he asked.

Arleen obeyed, and together, with much effort, the twins managed to flip the lid of the desk open. "What's this?" asked Arleen, reaching for the thick book that was hidden underneath.

"_Joker's Greatest Capers_," read J.J., looking at the cover. "Isn't that Daddy's name?"

"Yeah," agreed Arleen, opening it and reading. "Latest bank robbery went off without a hitch – Batsy arrived too late to stop me robbing and bombing the place. Joke's on him…" She frowned. "Bank robbery?" she repeated. "Daddy don't rob banks."

"No hostages this time, just a buncha innocent civilians blown to smithereens. Nothing like it to put a smile on my face…" said J.J., continuing to read. He looked up at Arleen. "You think this is a story Daddy is writing?"

"I guess," agreed Arleen. "Maybe he's pretending to be a criminal, just like we pretend to be a princess and an action hero."

"Speaking of which!" exclaimed J.J., holding up the submachine gun triumphantly. It had been under the desk "I knew it had to be around here somewhere!"

He suddenly heard the telephone ring, and headed over to it. "Joker residence. If you ain't snappy…"

"Hi, J.J., it's Daddy," said the Joker's voice.

"Daddy? How's dinner? And what's that sound?" asked J.J., as he heard something that sounded like hail coming from the other end of the phone.

"It's nothing, J.J. Dinner's lovely, only we've just run into a spot of bother over dessert, so if you could ask Aunt Ivy to head over here with Daddy's guns, that'd be great. I tried calling the other freaks but none of 'em are answering – never around in an emergency...not that this is an emergency, so no need to be concerned," he added, hastily. "Just tell Aunt Ivy to drop you two off someplace safe and then hurry over - it's fairly urgent."

"Puddin', they're breaking through!" shrieked Harley.

"Just keep firing, Harl!" he shouted, covering the phone with his hand. "Sorry, J.J., where was I?"

"Daddy…are you in trouble?" asked J.J., slowly.

"No, no, we're fine," said Joker, hastily. "Nothing at all to worry about, only, y'know, tell your Auntie not to dilly-dally."

"What kinda guns do you need?" asked J.J. "Handguns, shotguns, submachines guns…"

"All of those," interrupted Joker. "Just anything she can get her hands on, really, and fairly quickly. Not that there's any particular rush, so don't worry, ok?"

"Uh…ok," said J.J. "I'll tell her."

"Good boy," he said. "Daddy's gotta go now – talk to you soon."

"Puddin', ya gotta help me shoot 'em!" cried Harley.

"I'm coming, Harley!" he shouted. "J.J.? You still there?"

"Yeah, Daddy," said J.J.

"Uh…look I'm gonna go, but…tell your sister we love her. And we love you too. A lot. Just so you know that. Ok?"

"Ok, Daddy," whispered J.J.

"Ok. Bye, slugger," he murmured, and then the phone went dead. J.J. stared at it for a few moments, and then slowly hung it up. He headed back to the study, trying to process what he had heard.

"Leenie," he said, softly. She was prancing around the room with her unicorn.

"What?" she asked.

"I…I think Mommy and Daddy are in trouble," he murmured. "They need Aunt Ivy to help them by bringing them guns."

"But Aunt Ivy ain't here," said Arleen, frowning. "Do you think it's Batman, J.J.?"

"I dunno," he murmured. He reached his decision instantly. "I just know we gotta help them."

"We?" repeated Arleen.

"We don't know where Aunt Ivy is, and they need those guns right now," said J.J., seizing a pile in his arms. "So grab some and follow me."

"How can we get to Mommy and Daddy?" asked Arleen, tucking her unicorn under her arm and obeying him. "We can't drive, and it's gonna take ages to walk to the Iceberg Lounge."

"We ain't gonna walk," he said, firmly. "And driving takes too long, even if we managed to get a taxi. The Iceberg Lounge isn't that far as the crow flies, but with the roads and traffic, it'll take forever."

"What are we gonna do, then?" asked Arleen.

J.J. flicked on the lights to the warehouse outside the hideout. "What have I got to work with?" he asked, looking around at the random junk the Joker had collected over the years. "Perfect!" he exclaimed, suddenly, grabbing a huge rocket. He threw it on a cart, along with a parachute, some matches, rope, a knife, and the pile of guns, and started dragging it up the stairs to the roof. Arleen helped him, pushing it up while he pulled.

"Is this gonna work, J.J.?" she asked, as she watched him tie the rocket to the back of the roller coaster car.

"Never know until you try," he said, shrugging.

"Yeah, but it might be a good idea to try it without us in it," said Arleen. "It's a long way down. We could get hurt."

"So could Mommy and Daddy," replied J.J., as he tied the final knot. "Anyway, the coyote in the cartoon is always lighting rockets like this to get places fast. That's how he keeps up with the road runner. And if you can't trust a cartoon, what can you trust?"

He loaded the guns into the the car as Arleen climbed into the front. J.J. climbed in behind her, and then pulled the handle to start the ride. When they were nearly at the peak of the hill, J.J. struck a match.

"Here goes nothing," he whispered, lighting the fuse.

The rocket shot the car off the track and into midair, blasting them over the Gotham skyline. "Tell me when you see the Iceberg Lounge!" shouted J.J. to Arleen.

"There!" she cried, pointing to the distinctive building ahead of them. "How are we gonna stop this thing, J.J.?"

He grabbed a knife, slicing the ropes so that the rocket flew off from the car. Then he released the parachute, hoping to slow the flying vehicle down. It worked to an extent, but they dropped toward the building with more force than he had expected.

"We're gonna crash!" cried Arleen, shielding her eyes.

J.J. shut his eyes tightly, holding her and bracing for impact.


	6. Chapter 6

The Maroni thugs had finally managed to kick down the kitchen door, not that much of it remained after it had been riddled with bullets. They burst into the room, looking around carefully for any sign of the clowns.

Suddenly a shape leapt out at them, flipping over the counters and kicking two of them in the head. Another one of the men howled suddenly as a meat cleaver was buried into his back, followed by the Joker's gleeful cackles.

"It's been a real slice, guys!" he chuckled, lobbing the cleaver into another man's neck. Harley was doing her best with a carving knife, and suddenly kicked over a pot of boiling water off the stove into a man.

"Harley, catch!" shouted Joker, tossing his cigarette lighter at her. She pressed the gas button on the stove and flicked the lighter on, causing a jet of flame to fire straight into a man's face. She backflipped into another one, landing next to the Joker.

They heard guns cocking again. "Don't move, clowns," growled Sal Maroni, surrounded by twenty more henchmen, all of whom had guns pointed directly at them. His face was horribly scarred, but fury burned in his eyes. "Put down the weapons."

Joker and Harley shared a look. "Wanna go down fighting, pooh?" he asked.

"Uh huh, Mr. J," she agreed, nodding firmly in resolution. "Let's take some of 'em down with us, laughing all the way."

"You took the words right outta my mouth, baby!" he laughed, raising his meat cleaver again. They were about to charge the gunmen when a huge crash sounded and the roof collapsed in a cloud of bricks and mortar.

"What the…hell?" gasped Joker, coughing as he tried to see anything through the dust.

"Hi, Daddy!" said a familiar voice, and he looked down with dread to see his son and daughter emerging from the wreckage of the roof and a roller coaster car, mercifully unscathed.

"Leenie…J.J…" he gasped. "What…are you doing here?"

"We brought you your guns!" said J.J., happily, dumping a pile of them into his arms. "Just like you asked!"

"But…but I didn't say…how…did you…what…" he stammered. Harley was just as stunned as Joker, but her reaction was less curious and more panicky.

"Oh my God!" she shrieked, seizing her children in her arms. "How could you do something unbelievably dangerous like this?! Are you hurt?! Lemme see!" she said, alternating between examining her children and kissing them desperately.

"What are you doing, you idiots?!" roared Maroni, as his henchmen gazed on, uncertain. "Kill them!"

"But boss, the kids…" said one of them.

"You moron!" he roared, grabbing the gun away from him. "I'm not gonna let the little brats get 'em outta dying! I'll just do it myself!"

He roared in pain as a bullet suddenly embedded itself in his arm, making him drop the gun. "Grab the kids and run!" shouted Joker, who had purposely not blasted Maroni's head off to spare his kids the trauma. He seized J.J. around one arm while Harley picked up Arleen, and they raced out of the kitchen.

"Kill them! Kill them! Kill them!" shrieked Maroni, hysterically, and the henchmen reluctantly began firing after them.

Joker had raced for the door, but saw that it was covered by more of Maroni's men, so he ducked behind the bar, grabbing Harley and pushing them all down behind it, so they were safe from the hail of bullets. Then he began firing over the counter, trying to pick off henchmen.

"J.J., stay down!" he roared, as J.J. tried to peek over the bar.

Harley had seized the submachine gun, and Arleen covered her ears as her mother began firing wildly toward the door, shrieking, "Stop shooting at my babies, you jerks!"

"J.J., no!" shouted Joker, as J.J. reached for an assault rifle.

"But Daddy, I wanna help!" he cried.

"And I don't want you getting hurt!" he shouted. "Just stay down!"

J.J. looked over at his sister, who was pointing underneath the bar, clutching her unicorn in one arm and a handgun in the other. J.J. crawled down to see that there was a sizable gap between the floor and the bar, a gap big enough to maybe fit a gun through…

He picked up the rifle, lying down on the floor next to his sister, who had placed her unicorn on top of the gun, so that it looked like it was riding it. They aimed through the gap, and then pulled the triggers simultaneously. Two of the henchman screamed, clutching bleeding legs.

"Yeah!" cried J.J. triumphantly, cocking the gun. And then he shouted out a catchphrase that he had heard in the action movie he had just watched, a phrase that began, "Yippee-ki-yay, mother…"

Both Joker and Harley froze, staring down at J.J. "Where did you learn a word like that?!" shrieked Harley, suddenly furious.

"Uh…_Die Hard_," he stammered.

"You let him watch _Die Hard_, puddin'?!" shrieked Harley.

"Yeah, last Christmas!" he retorted, continuing to fire off into the crowd. "Well, what else were we gonna watch at the holidays? It's the perfect Christmas movie!"

"I told you, the kiddies aren't old enough for R-rated movies!" screamed Harley, rapidly shooting henchmen. "Excessive violence can disturb them for life!"

"Look, John McClane is a great American hero, and a super role model who ain't afraid to kill a German terrorist or two, unlike our own caped hero!" snapped Joker.

"I thought John McClane was the guy who lost to Obama," said Harley.

Joker took a break from shooting to stare at her. "Oh my God, have you never seen _Die Hard_?!" he demanded.

"I don't like movies with a lotta gore and violence, you know that, puddin'!" she shrieked, as she shot a man in the face.

"J.J., don't say that word again, ok?" asked Joker. "It's bad."

"Yippee-ki-yay is bad?" said J.J.

"No, the other one," he said.

"Mother is bad?" he asked, confused.

"Only when you pair it with the other word," he retorted. "Which is bad on its own, so don't say it," he added, hastily, as J.J. opened his mouth.

He shot the final henchman, looking around for Maroni, who had fled the scene when he saw how his gang was being picked off. Joker would normally have followed him, tracking him down to whatever dump he was using as a hideout and kill him after torturing him horribly for a few hours. But the kids were here, and getting them home safe was their top priority.

He strode to the door with Harley following, trying to shield the twins' eyes from the carnage. Joker approached Penguin, who had been cowering in a corner. "If the kiddies weren't here, you don't wanna know what I'd do to you," murmured Joker. "But as they are, I'll just apologize for the mess," he said, reaching into his pocket and flicking a penny at him.

"Keep the change, ya filthy animal," he muttered.

"How come Daddy can quote from the movies but I can't?" asked J.J., as they headed for the car.

"Because Daddy's a grown-up," murmured Harley, buckling them into the backseat.

"Why were those men trying to hurt you, Mommy and Daddy?" asked Arleen. "Were they working for Batman?"

Joker and Harley shared a look. "Uh…we'll talk about it when we get home, ok?" asked Joker. Though neither of them were sure how they could even begin this conversation.

It was a silent car journey back to the hideout.


	7. Chapter 7

"Ok, kiddies, take a seat," said Joker as they returned to the pillow fort. "Daddy and Mommy are just gonna get changed outta our nice clothes…"

He looked down at the blood-spattered suit. "Uh…what used to be our nice clothes. I don't think the blood is gonna wash out. It don't usually."

"Where the hell is Red?" demanded Harley, looking around. "She's in so much trouble for letting you do something so stupid and dangerous!"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Uh…Aunt Ivy actually…isn't here," said J.J., slowly. "She called after you left to say she couldn't make it…"

Harley stared at them. "But…you told me she got here fine!" she stammered. "You…you _lied _to me, babies?"

"We didn't mean to, Mommy, honest!" said Arleen. "We just wanted you and Daddy to have a nice evening together, and we knew you'd come running back if you knew we were here all alone."

Harley clapped a hand to her mouth, tears in her eyes. "Oh…puddin'!" she gasped, burying her face in his chest and sobbing.

"This is a good lesson for you, kiddies," said Joker. "If you hadn't lied, we most certainly would have rushed straight back here, and we could have avoided that whole mess back there. So it's always best to tell the truth."

"Yes, Daddy," they both murmured, looking at the floor. "I'm sorry, Mommy," said Arleen, coming over to hug her.

"We won't ever do it again," promised J.J., joining her.

Harley wiped her eyes, hugging her children tightly. "I can't even be mad at you – I'm just too glad you're safe," she whispered, kneeling down and kissing them both tenderly. "There is _nothing_ more important to us than you, babies. Not a romantic dinner, not a business meeting, not anything. You two always come first, ok?"

They nodded. "And I know you feel like you're big kids now, but you still need people around to protect you," she murmured. "You're not like normal kids – you're our children. And so your safety is a lot more of an issue. People out there will actively try to hurt you to hurt us."

"Why would anyone wanna hurt you, Mommy?" asked Arleen.

"Does it have to do with that story Daddy's writing?" asked J.J.

"What story?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"The one in his desk – _Joker's Greatest Capers_," said J.J. "We found it when we were looking for the submachine gun. It talks all about crimes Daddy's committed, but Daddy ain't a criminal."

Joker and Harley looked at each other. "Actually, he…he is, J.J.," said Harley, gently.

"Let me try to explain," said Joker. "Uh…ok. So I know you kiddies know right from wrong – telling the truth is right, and lying is wrong, for example. And you probably know that things like stealing and killing is considered wrong by a lotta people. But the truth is…uh…there's no real right and wrong. That is, what's right for one person might be wrong for another. It all depends on…a certain point of view, y'know, like they say in _Star Wars_. How Obi-Wan says Darth Vader killed Anakin Skywalker when he actually _was_ Anakin Skywalker. But he did kill him, from a certain point of view…"

The kids stared at him in confusion. "Ok, start again," he said. "So there are good guys and bad guys in this world, but sometimes there are bad guys that can be good, and good guys who can be bad. It gets real confusing sometimes, what's right and what's wrong, who's on what side, so your Mommy and me, we…uh…we don't worry about that so much. We just worry about having fun. Because that's the most important thing, kiddies – having fun and being happy. And sometimes the ways you can have fun aren't always legal, because society is gloomy and boring and always trying to spoil your fun. It needs to keep people enslaved in these boring, workaday worlds so it can continue to exist. But some people, like your Mommy and me and our friends…uh…we…follow our own path. And sometimes society doesn't like how we do that, and it tries to punish us. And so they call people like us criminals."

"But aren't criminals bad people, Daddy?" asked Arleen.

"Well, do you think Daddy is bad?" asked Joker. "Because I am a criminal. It's all about perspective, like I said. Now see, with my crimes, I try to have a little fun and spread a few smiles. And it's only people like the Batman who think that's a bad thing, because he's a miserable guy."

"But doesn't being bad feel bad?" asked J.J.

"You tell me," he replied. "Did you feel bad shooting up those guys at the Iceberg Lounge? Because killing people is bad, so you should have felt bad, right?"

J.J. nodded slowly. "Yeah. And I didn't. Actually, it was…kinda fun."

Joker beamed. "Y'see? That's why Daddy does it. Crime is hugely enjoyable, especially when there's a fatality or two. Plus those guys who attacked us tonight were gangster scum – if they'd been arrested, they'd probably have been given the death penalty. We just helped the justice system along a little."

"Plus action stars kill people in the movies," reasoned J.J. "And they're not bad guys. They're heroes."

"Daddy's _my_ hero," said Arleen, hugging him tightly. "I don't care what anyone else says. He ain't a bad guy."

Joker hugged her back. "I gotta say, I'm real proud of both of you for improvising a rocket car like that. You got your Daddy's ingenuity, I'll say that for you. And ain't you glad I didn't clean out the warehouse like you're always nagging me to, Harl?" he demanded.

"Yes, puddin'," she sighed, joining him in hugging their children. "Just promise me you won't do anything that dangerous ever again, ok?"

"Well, we've gotta have _some _danger, Mommy," said J.J. "Otherwise where's the fun?"

Joker chuckled. "Chip off the old block, I tell ya!" he said, ruffling his hair fondly. "But why don't you confine your danger to video games and movies until you're older, huh, kiddo?"

J.J. shrugged. "Ok. Wanna play my new video game with me, Daddy?" he asked, holding up a case. "It's got you in it."

"Oh yeah, it's that one where I'm voiced by that _Star Wars_ guy!" exclaimed Joker, happily. "Bet you can't tell the difference between him and the real thing, kiddo! You'll see exactly how fun Daddy is in this, and how boring and deluded Bats is. I'm thinking what could possibly be more fun than an army of monsters running over Gotham, and he wants to put a stop to that! Just nuts, I tell ya!"

Harley had thought, during the ambush, that they'd never be together again as a family doing something mundane like playing a video game, but she was so grateful they were. She cuddled Arleen, who played with her stuffed animals, while Joker and J.J. took turns controlling Batman in the game.

"The only problem with this game is that you can't use guns," said J.J., glumly.

"Aw, but Batsy's got lots of gadgets to make up for that!" chuckled Joker. "They probably do about as much long term damage, too! I mean, tell me how exploding someone or electrocuting them isn't as bad as shooting them?"

He pressed a button, and J.J. clapped. "Yay! You killed Batman, Daddy!"

Joker laughed. "I know, you can never beat the game if he keeps dying, but it is hysterically funny!" he giggled. "I don't understand why Bats just can't appreciate the joke!"

"No sense of humor, Daddy," sighed J.J., shaking his head.

"Gotta keep trying to make 'em laugh though, huh, Daddy?" asked Arleen.

He beamed, kissing the top of her head. "That's right, princess," he murmured.

"Well, I think it went pretty well, all things considered, puddin'," said Harley much later in their own room, after they had tucked the kids into bed and kissed them goodnight.

"What, the attempted ambush? I think that depends on whose side you're on," chuckled Joker.

"I meant the talk, puddin'," she replied, climbing into bed.

"Yeah, thank God we got it over with," he sighed, joining her. "And I'll never have to have an awkward, serious talk with the kiddies again."

"What about the sex talk?" she asked.

"Aw, dammit!" he swore. "You're doing that one, you useless waste of space!"

She grinned. "Wanna do a little sex talk now, puddin'?" she purred, snuggling against him.

"Nah, I'm exhausted from all that killing earlier," he yawned. "Not to mention the video gaming – nobody tells you you're gonna get that emotionally involved. Course it helps that I'm in it, I suppose. Maybe I should just stay at home playing that game instead of fighting the Bat night after night!" he chuckled.

Harley looked at him hopefully. "That was a joke, you dumb blonde," he retorted, flicking off the lamp. "Like I'd ever stop fighting Bats! He'd get so bored without me! At least we never get bored with the kiddies around."

"Yeah, maybe Bats should try devoting himself to his little Bat-family more, and less to the whole crime-fighting thing," said Harley. "If he neglects his children in favor of his career, they're bound to turn out messed up."

"Yeah, not like our kids," agreed Joker. "Couldn't ask for a more normal family, could ya, pooh?" he chuckled, kissing her nose.

She grinned, cuddling against him and shutting her eyes. "Who needs normal, puddin'?" she asked. "I love our crazy little family just the way it is."

"Me too, pumpkin pie," he said, shutting his eyes. "Me too."

**The End**


End file.
